On being

Underneath my outside faceThere's a face that none can see.A little less smiley,A little less sure,But a whole lot more like me.

For years, I’ve been dealing with generalized anxiety and depression. I used to talk about it. Over the past year, I’ve mostly stopped except for an occasional throwaway comment here and there. There are good times where I feel okay. And there are those low times.

Yesterday was a low day. First, let me say, at no point was I going to do physical harm to myself. Although I may have almost no friends, I do have family members who I can turn to for support when I need it. And I know they would be hurt beyond repair if I ever did something to myself.

What I was yesterday, was angry. For many of us, when it comes to friends, we are so alone. I can count my friends on one hand… I mean the people who have stuck around, not betrayed me, or forgotten I even exist. In the past year, I’ve lost more “friends.” It’s amazing how people can decide you’re a different person overnight.

Which leaves me in what feels like a very lonely place. As one acquaintance put it, I can “feel alone in a crowd of people.” I feel unseen, unwanted. I feel unheard and because of that I often go silent. No one notices.

If no one notices when I don’t speak or when I’m not there, why should I believe anyone if anyone would notice or care if I cease to exist?

I got angry. And I am disillusioned by all the “reaching out” talk. Which is nice. But wouldn’t it better for use to keep track of people before they’re potentially in crisis? Wouldn’t it be better to make an effort to see people for who they are? Wouldn’t we do better to care for our friends when they’re well, too?

Where do I go from here? I don’t have all the answers to that question. I’ve tried making connections with people and that doesn’t go far, possibly because I lack something.  Reality is, things will go on as usual. I’ll go quiet for periods of time and people won’t notice. Most days I won’t feel lonely when I’m alone, but my loneliness will hit when I’m in a crowd. I’ll continue to see my therapist. I’ll go on because that’s what I do.

 

 

 

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